George Carlin's New Rules For  Living 

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. 

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? 

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. 

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. 

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. 

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. 

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. 

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're SUCH a huge asshole. 

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. 

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. 

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." 

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. 

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. 

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/

All right, New Rule: If you forgot to buy Halloween candy, just say so. Don't hand out random crap from your kitchen. Last year, there was a guy on our block who was handing out batteries and mini-packets of soy sauce. I got so pissed, I had half a mind to poke him in the eye with my fairy wand. [photo-shopped photo of Maher in fairy costume]

New Rule: Women must admit that Halloween is just an excuse to dress like a whore. Ladies, nurses don't wear fishnet stockings. Kittens don't own pushup bras. And real French maids don't shave their underarms. Now — now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for women getting in touch with their "inner slut," but, 'fess up, Halloween has become less about candy and more about the "Haunted Ho's." Besides, if I've got a steady stream of half-dressed tarts showing up at my door all night, how will I know when my date arrives? I'm glad I'm not running for senator in Tennessee.

Oh, and did I mention we owe China a trillion dollars? We owe everybody money. America is a debtor nation to Mexico! We're not on a bridge to the 21st century. We're on a bus to Atlantic City with a roll of quarters.

http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/

Canadian corporation

You have two cows.
Neither one plays hockey.

Swiss Corporation

You own LOTS of cows; the tax authorities don't know about this.

To know exactly how many cows you own, you'll need to provide your banker with your account number and a secret password.

I think we need to update the American cow story. Here is my attempt:

The American Corporation has two cows. He fires both of them and hires a bull in India and a cow in the Philippines. The corporation then goes broke flying them to meetings in Singapore seeing if they can get them to breed. In the meantime, the consumer is left on hold to see if he can purchase some milk from them. The good news for the shareholder is that the cows fly cattle class on United and the company's telephone calls are all carried on VoIP.

Ableape